Relationship Patterns

We already know how this goes...

There's a moment in certain arguments where everything slows down just enough for you to think, oh...

We're doing this one again.

Same starting point. Same roles. Same defensive postures we've both had so long they're practically load-bearing at this point. You can see exactly where it's headed and somehow, knowing that doesn't stop it. You just keep going, like two people who've memorized a script and can't figure out how to put it down.

Twenty-two years. We have some patterns.

The parenting ones are probably the most frequent. Jason and I are, in theory, on the same team. In practice, we sometimes have very different ideas about what that team is supposed to be doing. One of us thinks a consequence should look one way. The other disagrees. Someone says something in front of the kids before we've had a chance to align, and now we're managing the kid situation *and* the fact that we just contradicted each other in public, which is its own separate situation entirely.

We've had this argument in various forms approximately four thousand times. Possibly more.

The thing about parenting disagreements is they never feel small in the moment. They feel like fundamental differences in values and priorities and what kind of people our kids are going to turn out to be. Which is a lot of weight for an argument that started because someone didn't follow through on a consequence about screen time.

Then there's the one I'm almost embarrassed to admit.

Sometimes I pick a fight because I already know I'm wrong about something and I'm not ready to say so. I can feel the moment it happens, the slight shift where I realize the position I've been holding doesn't actually hold up, and instead of just saying *okay, you're right* like a reasonable adult, something in me digs in harder.

I don't know exactly why I do this. Stubbornness, probably. Pride, definitely. Some old wiring that decided a long time ago that being wrong was dangerous and being right was safe, and hasn't fully updated since.

Jason, to his credit, has learned to recognize this particular pattern. Which is sometimes more annoying than if he didn't.

The hardest pattern to talk about is the insecurity one.

I'm not going to go into the full history of it here, that's a story for another day, when I've figured out how to tell it properly. What I will say is that there are times, usually when I'm already feeling stretched thin and invisible and not quite like myself, when the old doubts show up uninvited. Jason works primarily with women. He talks to people all day about their deepest, most vulnerable places. He is, by all professional accounts, very good at this.

And sometimes my brain, in its least charitable moments, takes that information and does something really unhelpful. Suddenly things that don't bother me most days start to twist, and twist again, until I have a pretzel of doubt hanging over me. Extra salty, obviously. My brain doesn't do plain.


It's not logical. I know it's not logical. Knowing it's not logical does not stop it from happening.

What I've learned, slowly, reluctantly, after years of letting it quietly wreck perfectly good evenings, is that the insecurity is never really about what it appears to be about. It's a signal. It shows up when I'm lonely, when I feel disconnected, when the two ships have been passing in the night long enough that I've lost sight of the shore.

It's not about the colleagues or the job. It's about the distance.

Here's what I know about patterns after 22 years of having them:

You don't break them by being smarter or trying harder in the moment. By the time the argument starts, you're already inside it and reason has largely left the building. You break them slowly, imperfectly, incompletely, by recognizing them early enough to do something different.

By saying the thing underneath the thing instead of the thing on top.

By occasionally just saying 'I think I'm wrong and I'm not ready to admit it yet but I wanted you to know I know.'

Jason finds this both endearing and deeply frustrating. Mostly frustrating. I understand.

We still have the arguments. Probably always will. But we have them a little differently now than we used to. A little faster to the actual point. A little less time spent in the part where we're both just defending positions we've already privately abandoned.

Twenty-two years. We're still working on it.

That's the whole point.

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